


blame the rain

by constelixion



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming of Age, Dreams, Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Hyunlix, Light Angst, M/M, i dont really know what to tag, well they once were
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-13 02:03:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21236330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constelixion/pseuds/constelixion
Summary: Hyunjin hates it when it rains because he wonders why it decided to pour any other time besides that night. He hates it because he wonders where and what he could've been if only the heavens released some of its pent up anger that night. He hates it because he wonders if he wouldn't have lost Felix if it rained that night.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i have decided to bless the drought that is the amount of hyunlix content we have, though i don't know if this is gonna be worth reading. this is my first time writing a fic so pls cut me some slack :((( 
> 
> also, i just wanted to say that i started writing this the day they announced woojin leaving skz. to all the stays who are reading this, who i know still grieve about him leaving, let's stay strong, wish for his happiness and never ever forget him. big hugs to all of stray kids and stays!!!

"Hwang Hyunjin, where on earth are you? I have been calling you for the past hour, I thought you were dead or something!"

There goes his alarm. For the past 3 years, ever since his body clock went mad, he didn't set up alarms in the morning because he just wasn't used to it. Besides, <strike>according to a certain someone</strike>, _alarms are useless because they intentionally make you late for your classes, taking revenge on you for sleeping so late that they attract you to unconsciously turn them off repeatedly and make you blame yourself for it. _And, of course, Kim Seungmin, his brother at heart, would wake him up (read: shout at him and make his ears bleed) every morning through the phone so alarms remained useless for him.

"I wish I was dead."

"Me too, you're not special. Now get up! Class starts in 10. You're not gonna fail med, are you?"

A bitter smile escapes from his lips. He has always known that Seungmin waking him up every morning and nagging him with the statement '_You're not gonna fail med, are you?'_ was his way of helping Hyunjin to pursue this unwanted dream. Hyunjin appreciates his efforts, really. To be honest, he doesn't know if he'll still be alive without Seungmin. But he just can't find any motivation within himself to continue studying Medicine. In fact, he just really wishes he was dead. Well, it might have been an exaggeration. But who says you can't feel like your suffocating because your heart can't chase for whatever it desires? Who says you being dead is any better than not being able to do what you love?

Then again, those are problems he'd have to figure out (read: bury in the deepest darkest corners of his rotting mind) some other day. For now, he'd have to run for his life before he gets late for the nth time this month.

"Yes, I'm not gonna fail med, Seungminnie. Bye, gonna magically appear there in 10 minutes." 

_You're not gonna fail med, Hyunjin-ah. You're not gonna fail med, Hyunjin-ah. __You're not gonna fail med, Hyunjin-ah. Y__ou're not gonna fail med, Hyunjin-ah. _He repeated to himself until he's sprinting from the gate of the university campus, mentally slapping himself for being an irresponsible student. If he was already a doctor, he probably would've killed so many patients just because his bed was restricting him from getting up. Maybe though, if he was taking up the course he wanted, his body clock would still be working. He'd be up by 4AM and sit excitedly in class hours before everyone arrives. And maybe, he would've done that with a certain someone by his side. 

But being a Medicine student isn't that bad, right? Hyunjin thinks that maybe he'll get used to memorizing diseases that he didn't even knew existed, reading names of medicines that are way too long and way too hard to pronounce for his liking and learning tools that he's still not sure how to use yet. He thinks that he can survive. After all, he's already here, what else can he do? Dropout? No, no, he can't handle the shame of repeating college (read: hellhole) all over again. He won't be able to look into the eyes of those who are younger than him, yet he has to call _sunbae_. He's just going to endure everything and make sure he doesn't make mistake. Pretty easy. Who knows, maybe one day he'd love Medicine and start looking forward to every single day of his life.

But then, that's just his wishful thinking. He'll forever be bitter over not chasing for his dreams. And he's sure he's not just being dramatic. It hurts knowing that that's it, he's never going to get the chance to dance again. It's not like he can dance his patient's sickness away in the future. It's not like anyone who becomes a doctor can have leisure time, come to a dance studio at night, carrying a bottle or two of soda and a cup of noodles, and dance to your heart's content until dawn.

He gives up on running to arrive in class on time when halfway across the campus, he felt a drop of liquid slide down his arms. 

"You still have bad timing." Hyunjin says as he holds out his hands to catch the rain drops that were gradually getting bigger. 

Hyunjin hates the rain more than he hates having to study Medicine. He hates it more than everything. Not because he doesn't usually bring an umbrella because it's heavy and takes up all the space in his bag. Not because it's inconvenient and he can't go to place he'd like to go. Not because he doesn't want his clothes or his white shoes to be ruined. Not because he likes the sun and having to slap sunblock on his face. 

Hyunjin hates it when it rains because he wonders why it decided to pour any other time besides that night. He hates it because he wonders where and what he could've been if only the heavens released some of its pent up anger that night. He hates it because he wonders if he wouldn't have lost Felix if it rained that night.

***

"Hyunjin-ah, stop stuffing your face with ice cream." Felix grabs the large tub of ice cream he's been cradling to himself for the past hour. But then the younger proceeds to wallow in the comfort of the vanilla-flavored ice cream that he was devouring earlier. "I kinda get now why you'd stuff your face with this."

"Give me back my ice cream! I'm not yet done stress-eating." He argues. But then seeing his best friend finally remove his happy and hopeful facade after swallowing approximately 5 spoons of ice cream, only to be replaced by a stressed and overthinking Felix who was staring into the distance, he decides to just sit next to him and stress-eat together. 

"I'm scared." Felix admitted, more to himself than to Hyunjin. "I don't know if this still counts as overthinking or it's just me overreacting. Or they're basically the same verbs and I'm just dumb and illiterate. But it's our last year before we go to college and I, we, haven't even decided yet if we'd just let go of dance that easily or let go of our damn house because I'm pretty sure our parents will disown us the moment we say the d in dance."

"You're rambling again." Hyunjin smiles as he remembers every single time Felix came to his house in his pajamas, favorite pillow and disheveled hair. Hyunjin would start talking about his problems and the latter would shower him either with words of wisdom or warm cuddles, their way of saying _'I can't do much about your problem because I have problems too. But I'm here with you, let's overcome all these together, okay?' _ And then after that, Felix would start rambling about his problems, inserting irrelevant statements mid-sentence. Every single time, Hyunjin would find him cute. Today was not an exception, he still finds his best friend cute. But they're both really really really sad and torn and tired of all the expectations and norms of this society that just seem to prioritize their head over their hearts.

"How can I not ramble, Hyunjin?" Felix whines while throwing a tantrum. "I know I have to pay stupid bills, when I don't even know what and how many there is to pay for, someday. I know I have to feed myself 3 times a day with proper food and not just noodles and soda. I know I have to earn stupid money, but I just can't throw dance away! I can't! I don't know if you feel the same way but I want to dance until I literally and figuratively run out of breath. I want to dance my whole life, it's like my oxygen. It's like a rope I can hold onto when I'm falling off a cliff. It makes me happy, it makes me _me_. Besides, didn't they say _'follow your heart' _and all those bullshit quotes you see on Google when you look up _'dreams'_ ? Was that just for the aesthetic? What, they're gonna make children believe like they can be anything they want to be but when they grow up, **_poof_**, you have to be the breadwinner of the family, you can't disappoint your parents, be a stupid millionaire and buy us a stupid house so big that we won't even run into each other?" 

"You can definitely pass as a rapper." Hyunjin jokes to lighten up the mood.

"Thanks. I've been working on it." Felix chuckled as he sniffed and wiped a tear. Wait, did Hyunjin just noticed Felix wipe a tear? Oh no, this is bad. Last time (read: every time) he saw Felix cry, he ended up crying even more. 

"You really had to make me cry, didn't you?" Hyunjin said while staring at the ceiling, hoping he could hold back the pool of tears threatening to fall down his cheeks and the countless thoughts threatening to spill from his mouth.

"Had to get those locked up fears and problems out of you, because I know very well you're going to escape from them until someone knocks some sense to your head. And who's gonna do that? Me, of course, you can't live without me. Even if you can, you wouldn't be able to get rid of me." The freckled boy went from soft to really really arrogant. But it wasn't annoying. It was nice knowing that Felix knew his position in Hyunjin's life and that he'd never want to get out of it.

"Knew I won't ever get rid of you that day you shoved your mint chocolate ice cream on my face. I'd have to keep you to continue taking revenge."

"I told you I only brought it up your face and your dumb ass lowered your head at the same time. So technically, it was your fault." Felix argued. 

"No, it was your fault! Who would make someone smell ice cream? What kind of idiot behavior is that?" 

"Says the one who lowered his head to smell it!"

"I lowered my head to taste it!"

"You lowered your head to taste it when I told you to smell it! Who's an idiot now?"

"We were 7 back then! And we're besides the point. Anyways, about my probl—"

"So now, you want to go back to our topic." 

"Lee Felix." 

"You can't pull a glare on me. You're too soft for that." Felix was nowhere near wrong, but for now he'd have to keep up his angered gaze to make his too loud of a best friend to shut up. "Aaaand I'm too soft to not let you get away with that argument and vent out your problems. You may now speak."

"It's weird how we manage to insert irrelevant topics and memories while talking." Hyunjin remarks.

"We're easily distracted. Plus, we have lots to talk about and many memories to reminisce." Felix replies as he scoops the last bit of ice cream. He hands the empty tub to Hyunjin signaling him to go get another tub.

"I don't want to have diabetes." Hyunjin complained but still stood up from his seat to get another tub.

"Please, I know you still want another tub, you're just being dramatic. Ice cream won't let us die, they're our friends." 

"Whatever. Don't understand how we have lots to talk about though. We're literally together 24/7. But we still don't run out of things to talk about." Hyunjin commented, genuinely wondering about how that happens.

"Soulmate culture, luv."

"Anyway, yeah, here goes the dramatic stuff I was about to narrate seconds before you had to brag about me not being able to get rid of you." Hyunjin dramatically rolls his eyes and then laughs immediately after noticing he went over the top once again. He took a deep breath and the atmosphere in his room went gloomy once again. "About dance, I feel so guilty towards it. It's been there since I was at my lowest. I literally stay in the studio whenever my heart feels heavy and dance all the burden away. To be honest , it doesn't make everything go away, but it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know, I run out of words when describing dance. But every time I see myself flowing naturally with the music after hours of perfecting my routine, it just makes me feel so alive. I'm so grateful towards dance, but I just know I can't pursue it. It's impractical and you know how I have to carry on my father's reputation in being a doctor. It's always been like that, my future's already been laid down before my eyes and I have no say towards it."

"This world's too cruel that putting your own happiness first is even a crime." Felix said while looking down. But after a moment of silence, Hyunjin was sure he saw a spark of hope light up in the younger's eyes. "Do you still consider dance as an option though?"

"Felix, you've always known that I can't." Hyunjin has never been so confused in his lifetime. What was his best friend up to?

"I don't know about you but ever since then, I have never pushed dance away. It was never out of my choices. I'd still consider it from time to time, from how I'd convince my parents, how I'm gonna establish myself as a choreographer or dance instructor then how I'm gonna build my own dance studio. How about we just risk it all?" Felix asked him with the galaxies in his eyes, alluring him to jump into the void with him. But then he snaps from his trance.

"We can't risk it all, Lix. It's not like our parents will support us. It's not like we have a guaranteed and solid future in dance. Don't decide on a whim, you may regret this someday."

"What's there to regret when you're happy? Besides, nothing's really stopping us. Our parents can only go far as dictate but it's up to us to decide. We've always been anxious of the future, Hyunjin. Can't we just think of the now?" Felix definitely made some points and all he can think of right now is trusting his passion and his best friend. "So I'm gonna ask you one last time, do you still consider dance as an option?"

"Of course." Hyunjin breathes out a sigh of relief, finally being able to stay true to what he wants.

"Okay then, since we're both indecisive, how about we leave the decision to fate? Are you up for it?"

"Tell me more about this leaving the decision to fate because my entire life depends on this." Hyunjin says with just the least bit of skepticism. 

"If it rains tonight, then no questions asked, we're going to college at SOPA and take up Practical Dance. If it doesn't, then too bad, we're gonna have to do whatever it is we don't wanna do." Felix proposes and Hyunjin thinks his soul just left his body.

"Are you joking? It's been raining for the past few days! This situation favors dance!"

"You never know, Hyunjin-ah."

"This is crazy. Let's do it."

He's going to let a damn rain write the first sentence of his future, isn't that amazing?

But then again, he's too much of a coward to grab the pen and start the story himself. At least, if he ends up dying out of hunger because he tragically failed in finding stable jobs related to dance, he could blame the rain. If he ends up being dying out of going crazy because he was too lonely and sad in Medicine, he could blame the rain. He wouldn't blame himself because he agreed to Felix' offer. No! Why would he do that? He wouldn't blame Felix because he made him rely on fate. Of course, he wouldn't! Why would he do that to his best friend? He wouldn't blame the both of them, he would blame the rain.

And so the night ended with silent cries and broken hearts.

***

"I am convinced you have absolutely, completely, definitely lost your mind, hyung." Jeongin tells him while running his hand down face. "Why would you do that?" 

"Why? What did he do now?" Changbin, who just entered the cafe, asked and sat beside Jeongin who was sitting across Hyunjin, Seungmin and Woojin.

"He arrived in class 30 minutes late when their prof strictly warned them not to be late that day. He went straight to his seat without minding their professor scolding him for being late, not apologizing and entering the room drenched in rainwater." Woojin said based from what Seungmin had told them. 

"Oh and I forgot to mention he pulled an _'I had a fight with the rain, Sir. Unfortunately, I could never win over it.' _absentmindedly when our prof asked him why he was late." Seungmin said while massaging his temple.

"You've done fucked up, bro. Congrats." Changbin said offering his hand for a handshake and Hyunjin slapped it away.

"Choosing to study med was already a fuck up. What makes you all think that everything I do after that isn't one?" Hyunjin said while loudly sipping his milkshake, earning looks from everyone at the cafe. But he didn't care. They weren't the one stuck with the curse of the rain, aren't they? 

"Then you shouldn't have done that deal with Lix-hyung if you know you're gonna end up miserable." Jeongin told him with a soft voice and pity in his eyes. Hyunjin hates being pitied, but maybe he just got used to Felix giving him looks of understanding instead. And maybe he's just really in a very self-destructive and pathetic situation right now.

"He's happy and excelling in Engineering now, isn't he? I'm good with that, at least our deal ended up going in his favor." He said, playing with his straw.

"No, you're not good with it. I'm done with keeping silent about this issue because just like he said, you're not going to budge unless someone knocks some sense into your head. The real reason why you're not even trying in med is because of that argument 3 years ago. I know you, Hyunjin-ah. We all do. You suddenly won't give up on something even though you don't like it because you've always wanted to prove what you can do to others and to yourself, especially when you were doing so well in the beginning. You suddenly became like that when he stopped reaching out to you. I know you are blaming yourself but you both made mistakes. It's time you guys face the problem and talk things out." Woojin said firmly but with concern in his voice, just like the caring hyung that he has always been to all of them.

"I guess you're right, hyu—"

"I'm always right."

"I hate you." Hyunjin glares at him.

"Love you too, Hyunjinnie." Woojin replies with an annoying grin, that unfortunately, Hyunjin loves too much. So Hyunjin resorts to rolling his eyes with a fond smile on his lips.

"Anyways, what I was supposed to say earlier is that maybe I really do have to try and fix our relationship. If he doesn't want to, then at least we both get closure. That way, I think I can break away from my self-destructive habits. But the problem is how I'm going to talk to him. I'm sure he doesn't want anything to do with me." 

"We all know Felix will always have a soft spot for you Hyunjin. You just have to be persistent." Changbin said, getting a thumbs up and a nod from Jeongin who was violently eating his fries.

"Trust me when I tell you all that I hurt him real bad with what I said that day. I went so far that I don't even consider the Hyunjin that day as a part of me. I wish that Hyunjin never existed." Hyunjin said while sipping his milkshake loudly once again.

"You've got to stop doing annoying things when you're sad. You also have to stop being dumb when you're sad."

"Seungmin-hyung, cut him some slack, he's always been dumb." Jeongin said earning laughs and high-fives from his other hyungs and a sharp slap on the arm from his other hyung.

"I didn't raise you to disrespect me like that!" Hyunjin jokingly scolds the younger, only to be given a poker face in return.

"Hyung, we practically raised you. We, meaning I am included. You're literally a big baby." Jeongin complained.

"Whatever."

"To explain why I called you dumb a while ago, you literally don't have to worry about how to talk to him. I don't know if you have read the messages in our group chat but Felix said he'd be able to make it to our party this year." Seungmin explained. 

"So what is the party for?" Hyunjin asked making all of them stop whatever they were doing and face palm at the same time. Hyunjin didn't know if he'd be endeared by the way they are always so in sync because of their familial bond or he'd be scared because they're squaring up to come at him.

"Oh my god, Jeongin, you're right. He has absolutely, completely, definitely lost his mind." Woojin said, completely dumbstruck at his dumb friend.

"Hyunjin, it's our friendship anniversary in 2 days." Seungmin snaps at him. 

"Wait, I'm meeting Felix in 2 days?" Hyunjin shouted, forgetting that he was in public and immediately hiding his face after realizing what he has done. Suddenly, he feels like he just wants to bury himself 6 feet below the ground. No, not because of the whispers amplifying in the cozy and supposed to be peaceful cafe they were staying at. But because he was not ready for the guilt of breaking Felix' heart to resurface one again. Though, technically, it never went away. 

Of course it will never go away. It was the heart of the Lee Felix that he shattered into pieces and never once looked back to try and glue the shards back together. And Lee Felix, he was his best friend and the love of his life.

***

The day Hyunjin realized (read: admitted to himself) that he loved Felix. It was a little late. Scratch that, it was really really really late.

"Hyunjin, let's take a break. We've been dancing nonstop for an hour." Felix said and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. The moment Hyunjin set foot on the dance studio they have been using for almost a decade now, he started playing a random playlist. They both danced freestyle to the songs and the freckled boy has noticed how tensed Hyunjin's movements were. He shrugged it off, thinking he would calm down and go back to his more fluid style after a while. But then an hour passed and Felix is afraid Hyunjin's limbs will give up on him when he wakes up tomorrow if he doesn't put a stop to this.

"You can rest." Hyunjin replied without even looking at Felix. 

"I'll just go get some fresh air." Felix quietly exits the room, as if leaving the studio he had mistakenly entered and saw a stranger dancing. The younger left with a promise in his head though. If he comes back to Hyunjin still dancing, he's gonna have to turn off the music and forcefully make him catch his breath himself. 

The moment Felix left the studio, Hyunjin began to feel his body aching all over for dancing without proper technique and rest for the past hour. The well-ventilated room suddenly felt so stuffy and everything was spinning before him. It was as if, Felix was the one holding up the last few strings of sanity he has left and when he went out, Hyunjin lost it. He didn't stop dancing though. He just let these thoughts float around his mind.

Today was the last day he's going to be with his best friend. Tomorrow is their graduation day, after that he'll go to LA with his family and come back only when college starts. He knows it's not really his last day with Felix. He's not going to let go of Felix, no. But college, it changes a lot of things, especially when they're about to take the course they didn't want in the first place.

He knows too well that they'd both drown themselves in university stuff and they'd have countless of sleepless nights. But whatever they achieve, no matter how big it is for other people, won't be worth the effort, because it's not dance. Nothing can make their heart thrive like dance could. He knows too well that they wouldn't see each other often because they're not going to be in the same school anymore. He can't recreate the fun and memories he had in high school, not with anyone. Not even with Felix.

And so, he doesn't want to stop dancing tonight because he knows this is going to be the last time. He doesn't want to stop because he never wants to forget the liberation that the world could never give him, but he found it in dance. He doesn't want to stop because he never wants to forget how much he loved moving freely to the beat, even if he won't be able to do it for the next decades of his life. 

But then after a while, the music stops. He was scared for a moment, thinking that his time's up. That's it, he must leave the studio and go out to the real world where he'd have to face everything. But he sees Felix, who he did not even notice had entered the room, holding his phone, seeming like he had paused it. He fell on the floor and began crying, releasing the fear he felt at that moment. Fear that he was cut short of a few hours left with dancing and fear of what's waiting in the future.

"Why did you stop the music?" Hyunjin asked hysterically. He was sobbing loudly and he thinks at that moment that maybe if he cried hard enough, he'd become numb and just accept his fate. So cries even harder. "I was dancing until I literally and figuratively run out of breath! Felix, I'm not letting go of dance!"

Hyunjin was crying so hard that his vision began to blur, but seconds later he felt a smaller figure hugging him and much much smaller hands patting his back. When his wailing turned down a bit. Felix let go of him and sat beside him on the floor. Then he is handed with a spoon and a large tub of vanilla ice cream. So he accepted it and ate in silence while sniffing.

"I don't want to let go of dance either." Felix began saying and automatically looked down to play with his shoelace. It was an endearing habit of the younger, fidgeting with something when he's on the verge of tears but wants to remain calm. "I'm sorry if you ever felt that you're stuck with Medicine just because I dragged you into the mess that is leaving the decision of our lives to the rain."

"No, I never felt that way, Lix. Stop blaming yourself." Hyunjin assured his best friend.

"I intended to do that so we could have an excuse to pursue Practical Dance, because I just know too well that I'd choose Engineering and you'd choose Medicine. I wanted us to be reckless, just for once. But then again, maybe dance isn't really for us." Felix said, looked up at Hyunjin and smiled. 

"I'm gonna miss you." Hyunjin said after a few minutes of comfortable silence. He regrets saying it though, because he recalls every single memory of him and Felix, laughing, crying, fake arguing, playing, talking, texting, dancing, scolding each other, bad mouthing people they hate, having sleepovers but not really sleeping and comforting each other with tubs of ice cream.

"You're saying that as if we're never going to see each other again." Felix joked.

"But we won't see other as often." Hyunjin argued with a pout. "Don't ever think of replacing me Lee Felix or else I'm gonna burn your house down." 

"Like I could ever find a replacement." 

That night they danced not as if it was their last. They danced as if they're going to dance again tomorrow and the days after that, relaxed and not on edge. And when they were parting ways, he got the chance to look at Felix' eyes and how they reflect the constellations in his cheeks. That's when he realized that he has always loved his best friend.

***

"Oh my god, Seungmin. I can't do it. I'm going back to my dorm." Hyunjin turns around but was harshly pushed by Seungmin.

"Stop being dramatic and a coward. Besides, we have to be there for Minho-hyung." Seungmin scolded him while pushing him because Hyunjin, who was definitely heavier and taller than him, refused to walk on his own.

"I'm gonna puke, I swear." Hyunjin pleads but Seungmin just ignored him. He wasn't kidding, he really feels like he's about to throw up his intestines. This time, it's not beause he's meeting Felix, though he thinks that may also have something to do with his condition. But the main reason is, med hasn't really allowed him to sleep for the past few days and he was too lazy to cook, so he feeds on noodles, coffee and ice cream. A recipe for disaster, isn't it?

"Hyunjinnie! I haven't seen you in a while!" Chan shouted before he almost tackles him to the ground with a tight hug that he has really really missed. 

"Then why didn't you come when Seungminnie called for lunch 2 days ago, hyung?" Hyunjin asked after playfully pushing Chan away.

"I was busy, stop sulking." Chan laughed and hugged him again. The only time Hyunjin got a good look of what was coming behind Chan's shoulders was when he let go of the hug. He felt panic and perhaps, noodles, coffee and ice cream, bubbling up his stomach. Disgusting, he knows.

"Oh my god."

"Woojin told me you're gonna talk to Lix. Good luck, bro. Don't ruin your chance." Chan patted his shoulders and turned around to meet the rest of the group. He hears Jisung sing For the First Time in Forever with his loudass but angelic voice. How those 2 adjectives made it to the same sentence, he doesn't know. Only Han Jisung can do it though.

"We're finally complete after so long. I think I'm gonna cry." Jisung fake sobs and garners poker faces from all of them. Except Hyunjin, he had a fond smile on his face. He missed this, them being the same as before even though they haven't seen each other often. It was like high school all over again, except Felix is giving him the cold shoulder.

"We're only 8." Chan said with panic evident in his voice after head counting.

"That's cause Minho-hyung is not yet here, hyung. You always seem to panic when we're only 8." Felix told Chan. And right then and there, Hyunjin thinks he could die. No, not really. This time he was being dramatic. But after so long, he's just grateful he could hear Felix' deep and soothing voice. He's grateful that this time he got to hear it in a calm and happy tone, not like when he last heard it.

"Oh, yeah. Right." 

"Guys, Minho just texted the gc that the event is about to start." Woojin announced to everyone.

"We better stay right in front of the stage before the crowd becomes bigger." Changbin said.

"We haven't bought food yet!" Jeongin contested.

"Then some of us would have to secure a place right in front of the stage while others could buy food." Seungmin proposed then secretly high-fived Jeongin. What was going on?

"I could buy some food, I have something to buy anyway." Felix said and they all started taking out their wallets to contribute money. "No, guys, put those back. It's my treat,"

"Hyunjin, you should go accompany him." Jisung said nonchalantly.

"What?" Hyunjin and Felix said at the same time.

"I can come. It'll be hard for them to carry food for 8 people" Jisung smacks Changbin's head loudly and he clearly heard the younger saying _'We're acting all cupid here. Stop being dumb.'_. And he sure heard Changbin say _'O__h, right. My bad.'_.

Hyunjin wishes someone would slap him in the face and tell him his friends aren't doing this to him. He remembers telling his friends not to meddle with his and Felix' problem when they argued that night. In exchange, he wouldn't let the group fall apart or treat each other differently just because of his and Felix' situation. But ever since their argument, Felix hadn't attended group gatherings that Hyunjin was present in. Or even if he was to come to one where they're supposed to be complete, Hyunjin either falls sick or pulls an all-nighter. 

Fate didn't want them to see each other and so their friend group assumed they should really never intervene. But now that the stars had aligned for the both of them to meet again, their friends took the opportunity to do what it takes to give them the little push they both need.

"Top 10 anime betrayals." Hyunjin and Felix told their friends at the same time before turning around to buy some food. Now isn't the time for Hyunjin to feel stupid butterflies in his stomach right now. He should feel panic and guilt crawl up his body. But he can't help but notice them still being in sync, it made his heart melt.

Unfortunately, Hyunjin was too much of a coward. So, he just awkwardly offered to hold everything even though he thinks a few more steps later, he's going to drop everything, embarrass himself in front of Felix and face a very angry and hungry group of 6 people. Then, Felix enters an unfamiliar store which definitely doesn't sell food. He notices that it was filled with Engineering stuff that he doesn't understand.

"Why are you buying these stuff already? You could just buy them after the party's over tomorrow midnight or at least after Minho-hyung's showcase. You're going to have a hard time carrying them." Hyunjin blurted out of concern even though his knees were trembling as he speaks. 

"I don't think I would be staying until midnight tomorrow, which technically, is already the next day." _He still rambles, oh my god, I'm about to combust. _"I'd probably be around only until the afternoon and this store is out of my way back to my dorm."

"Why aren't you staying until midnight? Do they know about this?" Hyunjin was losing hope. He only has that little amount of time to spend with Felix? To gather his thoughts and courage and talk to him?

"I have lots of things to do. And no, they don't know about this. I'll tell them on the spot, they won't let me leave if I tell them early." 

"Then can you just buy these after the showcase ends? You won't be enjoying, if you don't. If you're worrying about company, I'd come with you." Hyunjin offered.

"I don't want to ruin the fun later with me leaving to buy these. I'm sure everyone wants to stick to each other like leeches because it's the first time in a very long time that we're complete." Felix simply replied.

_I'm sure they wouldn't mind if it were the two of us who'd separate from the group. _His mind says while his heart aches. He knows too well that Felix knows that too. The younger was just avoiding any interactions with him. It sucks that they'd have to converse this way, with serious tones and heavy hearts. He just wants his best friend back, is that too much to ask?

"Hyung, how's it?"

"Any progress?"

"Nothing much. He's still treating me coldly. But we exchanged words now, that were like, 2 sentences long." Hyunjin replied to answer Jeongin and Seungmin's interrogation. 

"That's still a start. Don't worry too much." Woojin whispered to him and gave him a small smile.

Fireworks started shooting up in the sky, painting the black canvass with colorful lights. The showcase by the riverside was somehow calming, relieving him of academic and emotional stress. He's happy he could do this with all his friends again and he sure is proud of Minho. But for split second, he wishes he was also standing in that stage instead of watching. He wishes he was running the entire dance routine in the back of his head, out of nervousness, as if he wasn't practicing it for weeks, instead of standing comfortably in front of the stage. He wishes he was also receiving cheers instead of being the one shouting at the top of his lungs.

"Do you think we would've also started a dance crew and build a dance studio after we graduate, just like Minho-hyung, if only it rained that night? Scratch that, if only we were brave enough to chase for dance, even if it didn't rain that night? I still think it's unfair that things worked out for other people but it never worked out for us. But then I go back to that dumb deal and realize that maybe it never worked out because we never did it ourselves. The clouds only went as far as not cry for one night but we took it as a sign to give up then cry for the rest of our lives." 

Hyunjin thinks it's possible to freeze even though it was nowhere near winter because he just did at this moment. He turns his head to his side only to see Felix standing beside him, at the back of their friend group, with teary eyes and a regretful smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u're finally about to read the finale yaaaayyy!!! the reason why it took me a long time to update is because i am only able to write this whenever i have time and whenever my heart feels heavy. thats enough about me,, u may now proceed reading and i hope you enjoy!!!

The day they realized (read: admitted to themselves) their dream. Hyunjin thinks it was the start of their dread for the future. It was the start of the day-to-day misery they had to face.

"Hyunjin-ah, let's ditch school tomorrow." Felix suggested and lied down on the grass.

"What do you mean ditch school tomorrow? It's the first day of our second year in high school. You're not supposed to be tired enough to be absent because we've been on vacation." Hyunjin nags while hugging his knees closer to him. He didn't want to attend school tomorrow too, though. But he knew that if he agreed with Felix, even though they're both joking, they'd end up not showing up in class just for fun.

"I mean, I'm still high with the energy of Minho-hyung's dance crew's performance in the showcase earlier. They barely had the same amount of performances as the other groups since they were new but you can tell that the crowd loved them. Their energy just seeps through the bones, it's literally art. I don't think I can make it to school with a functioning mind with their performance still imprinted on my head." Felix said, mesmerized.

"You're just making excuses, dumbass." Hyunjin said while throwing stones into the river, watching them go distances but eventually disappear into the water. Though his dreams were still clouded with question marks, he understands what Felix meant. He has always had.

It's crazy how they understand each other. Even when they're meters apart and just sending sloppy hand signals, the other would know what the other meant. Or if someone mentions a word that makes them think of each other, they'd instinctively look at each other and know what the other felt. Even when they're ranting and just can't seem to look for proper words in their vocabulary to express something, the other would just say _'Whatever, you know what I mean.' _And they really know what the other meant. It isn't even something they practiced or became better at as they grew older. They were just like that ever since the beginning.

And Hyunjin's grateful because he has someone who understands him better than himself. He's grateful he has someone who he doesn't want to lose because he's sure he's never gonna find anyone like him again. He's grateful he has someone like Felix.

"I can't go to school because I'll be reminded of how I'd have to study for my future, you know. Because, again, being an engineer requires a stupid degree that I have to work my ass for. I can't go to school with those thoughts in mind because it demotivates me to become an engineer. It just makes me think that dance is easier. It just makes me want to choose dance." Felix punched the air as if fighting the stars in the sky for shining so bright when he couldn't, when his own light is dull. Hyunjin thinks that Felix' small fist couldn't hurt anyone though.

"You just think it's easier because you love dance." Hyunjin commented with a chuckle. "Stop insisting that you want to be an engineer when afterwards you talk about dance and your eyes sparkle a little more. Every time you tell me that you want to be an engineer you become less and less convincing. But then again, that's your dream that we're talking about. The last thing I want to do is dictate to someone, especially you, what they really want. Figure shit out by yourself."

"You speak as if you have figured _'the shit'_ by yourself, Hwang Hyunjin." Felix teased him, air quoting. "So have you found out the answer to the damned question, _'What do you want to be when you grow up?'"_

"I don't find the answer to it, my parents give the answer to me. It's not _'I want'_, it's _'I have to be'_. So, no, I don't know what's the answer to that stupid question." Hyunjin answered bitterly.

"You don't know or you don't want to know?" Felix asked and sat up to face Hyunjin. "Come on, we're bad liars to each other. I know that you know what you want, Hyunjin. Well, maybe you genuinely don't know what it is for the time being. Wait, let me rephrase that. Maybe you genuinely haven't realized it for the time being and you'll eventually realize, or you just don't want to admit it to yourself because you think it's gonna hurt if you do."

"Okay and what about it?" Hyunjin rolls his eyes. He thinks that maybe Felix knowing him too well can be inconvenient. He just knows how to hit Hyunjin in places where it'd hurt.

"Well, I think you should admit it to yourself because it's just giving you a heavier burden. It's like you're keeping a secret from yourself so you can't even breathe freely." Felix tells him. But then again, that's your dream that we're talking about. The last thing I want to do is dictate to someone, especially you, what they really want. Figure shit out by yourself."

"I hate you. Stop pulling a me on me." Hyunjin said, rolling his eyes. This time, he does it with a fond smile on his face.

"Oh no, trust me, Hyunjinnie, you love me."

"Unfortunately, you're not wrong."

"You could've just said I was right. That sentence had so many negatives."

"I wanted to confuse your illiterate ass." 

"Unfortunately, I think I love you too." Felix replied a little seriously amidst their little bickering. Hyunjin was taken aback, especially when he heard the younger whisper _'a little too much than I should'_. But then Felix returns with his usual cheerful demeanor, so Hyunjin just shrugs it off. "Even though you call me illiterate."

"Nah-uh, I called you an illiterate ass."

"You're the ass."

"Let's ditch class, Lix." Hyunjin blurts out after a few minutes of comfortable silence of them basking in the happiness that the other's presence gives.

"You turned down my offer earlier so I'm turning down your offer. Feel the pain of being rejected!" Felix answered and laughed menacingly. 

"Please, the mood here by the riverside is so calming, I just want to stay here until the sun rises." Hyunjin begged his best friend, regretful of not agreeing with him earlier. He thinks that maybe if he was a little drunk on thoughts that overpower his rational thinking earlier, then he would've been spending the next day with Felix. But then no, the responsible student within him acted up before he did.

"We can't do that, you promised to find me some mint chocolate ice cream because you lost my favorite shirt, remember?" Felix demanded while standing up. Then, pulling Hyunjin to make him stand up.

"Oh, right." Hyunjin said while running his palm down his face. "Can't it be another flavor? It's so hard to find that toothpaste-flavored ice cream."

"No, I'm sad. I need mint chocolate." Felix disagreed. 

But then, while they were walking, none of them said anything, as if they had an agreement beforehand to just take the realizations in. Hyunjin thinks about the stones he threw at the river, he didn't want to be like them. Going places because he had a guaranteed future, but throwing himself and his dreams into the darkness. He was sure Felix was thinking of the stars he'd been staring at the entirety of the night and he was sure the younger didn't want to be like them too. Twinkling so bright and up there so high in the sight of so many people, but light years away, he's drained of life because he can't shine the way he could on stage, with spotlights focused on him. 

And so, when they unknowingly reached a familiar convenience store that they'd been frequenting since they were young, they grabbed another one of those large tubs of vanilla ice cream they love stuffing their face with.

"It's always been dance." They both said at the same time.

"I thought you were gonna comment first about you not getting your toothpaste-flavored ice cream."

"Shut up, Hyunjin. I'm having a midlife crisis."

"You can't have a midlife crisis at high school, dumbass."

***

Hyunjin wakes up from sleep and feels the room spinning before him. His brain rewinds the events that happened earlier that day, leading him to his wrecked state of disheveled hair, bitter-tasting lips and sweat-covered body. Just as his brain short circuits and wants to shut itself down to never be opened, Chan opens the door with soup and water on his hands. The older smiles with relief and sits on the edge of the bed.

"I'm glad you—"

"Oh my god, I'm such a party wrecker. I am so sorry, hyung." Hyunjin blurts out, stopping Chan mid-sentence. Chan chuckles at the reaction of his _dongsaeng_ who has always blamed himself for every single thing, apologizing even when it was neither him or anyone's fault. 

"It's fine. Hyunjin-ah. It's not your fault." He ruffles Hyunjin's hair and gives him a pat on the shoulder. "Plus, I missed taking care of you. We all haven't been together as much as we did in high school except partying, eating together and staying at each other's dorm or apartment. It's fun to go back to the little things that we've done together that make up a big part of our lives."

"Hyung, stop being a dad on the wrong moments. Where are the others? Have they gone home?" Hyunjin asked out of panic that he ruined the first time in a long time that they're celebrating their anniversary complete. Of course seeing how Felix is doing matters to Hyunjin, but having him back in a gathering, making them all complete, means much more to him. Ever since college and ever since their fight, everything's not the same, not only for him but also for everyone else. He just misses their old dynamic and loves everyone so much that he would forever be guilty if ever he caused a nuisance in this once in a blue moon thing. Chan just laughs at the younger's first comment.

"No one has gone home, Hyunjin. Now, eat your food so you can fill up your stomach after emptying it all over Felix earlier."

"Nooo, what the heck, hyung. Stop mentioning it, I already feel bad and embarrassed." Hyunjin slaps the older's arms and washes his hands over his face. Chan laughs even harder, throwing his head back, while Hyunjin sends him daggers through his eyes. 

"You're lucky you made it until after Minho's performance. How did you even put up with your headache? And why didn't you even tell us?" Chan asked with worry in his voice. 

"If I told you, you would have sent me home and it would take another decade before we could gather everyone in one event! And I didn't even do a great job holding it, hyung, I vomited and passed out on Felix!" Hyunjin rants with angry hand gestures, which always amuses Chan because it's fun watching an enraged Hyunjin get mad at himself, before his hands almost hits Chan's face.

"The both of you have seen each other in worse cases. I'm sure it's not a bother for Felix to take care of you. In fact, he must've missed being in a comfortable circumstance with you." Chan stated as a matter of factly.

Hyunjin knows his best friend, well, _ex-best friend, _all too well. And believe him, he knows that Felix just wants everything to go back to the way they are used to before, too. He's one who holds on to every single memory, no matter how vague. He's one who fears change. He's one who forgives easily. He's one who never lets go of someone no matter how much they hurt him. Felix is everything good in this world. That's why Hyunjin is still anchoring onto the feeling that Felix hasn't completely erased him from his life. 

But that's the thing. Hyunjin has drowned himself with the idea that it's him and Felix until the end of time. That it's him and Felix, no matter what, because they're perfect together. They can't simply find the other in anyone else's eyes and smile and hugs and everything else. It's that belief that Felix is not going anywhere that got him to where he is now. It's that illusion that made him cross the line, forgetting that Felix bottles his feelings up to everyone and only spills all his fears and tears to Hyunjin, because he's the only one he has been able to trust. And now that Hyunjin has broken Felix' heart, and consequently his trust, ever so often, the idea of Felix wanting him back flickers and fades. That maybe he doesn't fear change, as long as it's letting go of Hyunjin and their memories together.

"It's good to hear that he took care of me. Although I think he just did it for formality's sake. And even if you say you think he misses me, I think it's more of him missing the memories. That is, if he even misses it." 

"You know, you both like thinking things over. None of us know the entire story of what went down that day but I just know you've both been dragging this out for too long. Everything's going to be so much easier if you just talked to each other." Chan advised with a fond smile on his lips.

"Does that supposed to imply that you know things that I don't?" Hyunjin said while eyeing his hyung and letting hopes seep into his mind all over again.

"I don't know. What do you think?" Chan hangs those type of questions that leaves you overthinking and haunts you until dawn breaks, and that's exactly what's going to happen to Hyunjin. He can definitely tell.

"Oh and I did tell someone about it! I change my mind, I blame everything on Seungmin! I specifically told him that I can't do it and that I'm going to puke!" Hyunjin shouts after a moment of silence, which made Chan jump from his seat. But he was glad it lightened the mood.

"You surprised me! And that doesn't count, you just sound like you're chickening out because you're about to see Felix." Chan said, thus, getting looks of disbelief from Hyunjin.

"See? If I told anyone, you all wouldn't believe me. It really be your own friends sometimes." Hyunjin complained while fake wiping tears. Just then, a series of notifications pops into Chan's phone. "Why are they texting when they're just outside this room?"

"No, all of them went out to buy ingredients because everyone agreed to just have a laid back day today after what happened to you. So, takeout and drinks have been evicted out of the menu. Minho said he's going to cook." Chan narrates while attempting to open the messages from his lagging phone. 

"Oh no, hyung must be tired after the adrenaline has went down from last night. My life's a series of bad timings it's getting kinda annoying." Hyunjin said with a sad pout while peeking over Chan's shoulders to read the messages. It's a habit they've all formed when they're together. One would rest his shoulder on the other and watch videos together, go over the timeline of the other's social media account and read messages. It wasn't some invasion of privacy for them since they all know when to draw the line, it was just how they all trust each other to keep things within the group. It's how comfortable they are with each other.

"I told you, it's fine. Plus, I think it resulted to something much better. I kinda just want to spend the day talking to everyone without alcohol clouding our minds, you know?" Chan looks over at Hyunjin to express himself better, until he sees a glint of panic flash in the younger's eyes.

"Hyung, the messages." Hyunjin says, eyeing Chan's phone after it has stopped lagging because of the flood of messages that came through.

***

As you may have guessed, Hyunjin and Felix has quite a rare but precious type of friendship. They weren't exactly the twin type of friendship, liking every single thing, having the same preferences and radiating a shared personality. They grew up with a lot of things in common, so you can spot similarities with their habits, choice of words, circle of friends and sense of humor. But they had a lot of differences. Like the way Felix tends to stick to smaller crowds while Hyunjin can be a social butterfly, however in his opinion, not as much as Chan is one. Hyunjin tends to make schedules and keep track of events while Felix decides in the spur of the moment. Despite the contrast, the two never had a fight. In fact, they agree to disagree. They are even blunt whenever they feel slightly inconvenienced because of their opposite reactions to their surroundings and they just laugh it off, amused by the fact that they have remained the best of friends despite clashing opinions at times. They point out each other's toxic traits and not get hurt by each other's remarks because they know it's best to grow through what the eyes of someone, who's been with you at your best and worst, sees and believes. 

And so they like joking about when and how their first fight will happen. They pose different scenarios and circumstances, stating different reasons that could cause the fight. They suggest who's likely to stir the argument, saying that either could be the person who starts the confrontation, but settling with the fact that when they talk it out, Hyunjin would cry first and Felix would be the first one to initiate the hug. However, knowing that they're both understanding towards each other's personalities and they're not really petty when it comes to small fuck ups, they just know that when they fight it'll root from pent up and serious feelings. And even though they joke about it for the time being, they just know it's gonna be how their friendship ends.

And so, college happened. The first few weeks they were inseparable, crying and ranting at the end of the day of how the hours sucked without the other. They'd have their stories of _'I was wondering what could've happened if you were there'_. They work on and study different things, but it didn't stop them. Until months into college they started cancelling on plans and settled with repetitive apologies.

To hell with dance, Hyunjin can't do anything about that now. It's not like he can afford being a disappointment and being disowned now that he's showed his parents he turned his back from dance. He doesn't even miss it. Of course he doesn't. He definitely likes seeing injuries and causes of death that send shivers down his spine. 

But he's been with Felix all his life, how is he supposed to live normally as a properly functioning adult without his better half? How is he supposed to laugh a genuine laugh now that he can't be with the person whom he has laughed with about the most nonsensical and bizarre things under the sun when it's just downright stupid and childish with somebody else? He knows he's being selfish. Not everyone has a person whom they share their heart and soul with and having been blessed with one should be something he should be grateful for. Hyunjin knows he doesn't have the right to demand to let the heavens work its magic and let him spend the rest of his life with Felix. He knows he's asking too much, but can't the universe just let him have Felix? 

Hyunjin knows he couldn't demand time from Felix because he's had his own fair share of cancellations and apologies. He knows they're living in different worlds now and they should learn to live without the other. It's not as if they die without the other, right? But he's worn out from not doing what his heart wants to do and he can't help but remember Felix in ice creams, streets, shirts, movies, blankets, food and everything. How can he not feel so helpless when the person he loves is slipping out of his grasp?

Even if he feels that it is of little significance, his feeling of hurt and sadness is valid, too, right?

"Hyunjinnie! I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday. Things came up and I'm still not doing well with, uh, the things that came up. However! I cannot delay my visit anymore since you whine annoyingly. So now, I'm here!" Felix greets his best friend after he opened the door. He spreads his arms wide, signaling Hyunjin to hug him tightly. Hyunjin can't help but think about how long it has been since he has hugged the younger sloppily, just their limbs lazily clinging onto the other because no one's going to disappear any time soon. He just wants to spend a lax and wholesome day today with his best friend, but his mind replays, as if it's a broken tape, to the thought of how they always have to spend the limited days they have together as if they're being chased by an hourglass and haunted by the ticking of a clock. Yet Felix has the ability to waste the time they could've been together. So he just sits at the edge of his bed, mindlessly staring at Felix. "I missed you. There I said it. Now, hug me. Still, no hugs? Fine, whatever, here's your present."

"Why couldn't you make it to my birthday?" Hyunjin asked, which made Felix put down his arms. 

"I told you things happened. Ever since when was not going to birthdays a big deal for us? Is something wrong, Hyunjin?" Felix replied vaguely but with concern and confusion now laced in his voice.

"Jisung said he saw you on his way to my dorm, though. He said you sat unbothered in a cafe, wearing earphones and looking outside the window." Hyunjin narrated with a serious tone. He tried not to sound like an insensitive and possessive boyfriend that he has always hated in movies, but he already sounds like one. But that doesn't matter right now. Can you blame him if his best friend literally ditched his birthday for no good reason at all? 

"What's wrong with that?" Felix asked nonchalantly which angered Hyunjin even more. He was one to cry and vent out his emotions harshly while doing so when he is frustrated and today's not an exception.

"It's my birthday, Felix! How couldn't you even pay me a visit, greet me, hug me, call me or show signs that you're alive? Instead you disappeared on me and appeared today like everything's fine between us. Yeah, right, it's not like we're drifting apart or you suddenly realized you were only friends with me for the sake of our childhood. I'd understand if you had things going on in the university or even if you had the slightest sickness like common colds or something. But you weren't even doing anything and you had the guts to tell me something came up? That's the issue here, you lied to me! What, you forgot my birthday and disappeared to come up with some dumb excuse? Come on, Felix, it's not that hard to remember a single date in the calendar. Especially when it's related to someone you care about, right? Unless, I'm being delusional and you don't care about me anymore?" 

"Do you seriously think that I'd abandon our friendship in just a few months, Hyunjin?" Felix said in reply. He feels a weight build up in his chest. The burden of unshed tears suddenly doesn't allow him to breathe. His eyes reflect the broken trust contained in Hyunjin's sharp words and glass tears.

"I don't know what you feel Felix. We haven't seen each other in a while now and I feel like I'm the only one holding on. You seem like a stranger to me." Hyunjin said sarcastically. "Oh right, I didn't come to your birthday too. I'm sorry for having fever that almost killed me that day. Now I understand why you would want to take revenge. I was totally unreasonable."

"Do you really believe that I would lie to you? Even more so that I will take revenge because of a childish reason?" Felix asked calmly, tears of a once alive and bright universe in his eyes threatening to fall. Hyunjin's anger quivers after seeing the younger get hurt because of his remarks. He suddenly became aware of the words he was spewing. Did he go too far? But he is in the right, isn't he? He's the victim here.

"Then why can't you answer me clearly?" Hyunjin shouted, breaking all the barriers Felix built to not let his tears fall.

"Let's not argue, Hyunjin. We're both probably not in the best state right now. Let's talk some other time." Felix flashed an inexplicable smile and walked towards the door. Hyunjin tried to decipher it amidst the pool of tears. _Of course, that's a sad smile. But why does it have hurt written all over it? He was the one who broke my trust! And why do I see guilt? Does that mean he admits to lying?_

"Yeah, let's do that so we become another tragic of story of _'what ifs' _and _'could've beens' _because of your flight tendency from problems. Oh sure, I'd want to go through some dreadful suffering again because of a failed plan. Do you want to bet on the rain with our friendship at risk this time? What's next, our family and properties?" Hyunjin guilt tripped Felix. The younger fell silent and slowly turned around towards Hyunjin's direction. He had his head down, tears uncontrollably streaming down his face and splashing onto the cold floor. 

Hyunjin, amidst losing all rational thinking, is confused over how Felix is reacting. Why can't Felix just explain to him what happened? They'll still fight over it, for sure, but at least there's concrete proof that he can hold on to. Felix is just being unpredictable and cryptic that Hyunjin just can't help but feel like his best friend can't trust him anymore. Of course, Felix isn't obligated to tell him everything, but can't he just reassure him that it's nothing serious? Why does he have to pose puzzling questions? Hyunjin's mind is in a blur that he can't seem to understand he's not wrong about the emotions he sees in Felix eyes. Despite knowing that Felix eyes are like windows to his soul, always giving him away when he's lying, Hyunjin can't seem to settle for a calm talk, his frustrations getting the best of him.

"No, Hyunjin, we're not losing our friendship too. I don't know what to say. If I didn't introduce the idea or induce you to jumping into the uncertainty, then everything would've been the same but without us being victims to the false hope I've created. It would've hurt less. I know I'm at fault. If you, if you didn't know me, then you're probably doing fine. I'm sorry, Hyunjin. I'm really really sorry. I don't know what else to say." Felix sobbed violently, hyperventilating even.

"I don't need your apology, Felix! You want to cut me out of your life, right? If you plan on getting out of my life, then do it immediately! You just remind me of everything that hurt." 

Hyunjin said those statements to release pent up frustrations and sadness. It was somehow true. Felix reminds Hyunjin of a dream he has already lost. Felix reminds Hyunjin of a part of his life he's not ready to lose yet. What Hyunjin wasn't prepared for, though, was Felix taking it as a sign that Hyunjin doesn't want him in his life anymore. 

***

_ **woojin** _

_chan, felix told us he's leaving?? did you know anything about this? should we let him?_

** _jisung_ **

_CHAN-HYUNG WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, I WAS ONLY ABLE TO ASK HIM TO STAY FOR AT LEAST 30 MINS MORE????_

_IDK WHY AM I EVEN PANICKING, IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T SEE HIM BUT???_

_WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ABLE TO SPEND THE DAY TOGETHER???_

_PLUS HYUNJIN???_

_HYUNG, PLS RESPOND?????????????_

** _jeongin_ **

_hyung, we're on our way back to your apartment_

_so, we decided to walk home instead of riding a cab so we could catch up and all that. and suddenly, felix-hyung was all like,'oh, we're nearing my bus stop, i have to get going, guys. have fun later. i missed all of you.' he opened his arms wide and we just stared him, surprised. and yeah.._

_we're in a cafe right now because minho-hyung tackled felix and refuses to get up_

** _changbin_ **

_hyung, i don't know if i should feel embarrassed over the fact that jisung is whining so loudly in a supposed to be peaceful cafe so early in the morning, or the fact that minho-hyung presses himself onto felix despite his groans of pain _

_or if i should be proud of them because they're holding felix down_

_or if i should be stressed because why is felix leaving??????_

_idk, hyung, everything's chaotic here. everyone can't think straight, pls save us_

** _seungmin_ **

_hyung, i don't know what to do..._

_hyunjin's supposed to talk to felix today. i feel like he's sensed it and he's trying to run away_

_i don't want to meddle but should we let them remain like this forever?_

_also, don't let hyunjin know about this. let's find a way to make felix stay first. i'm certain, hyunjin will overreact when he sees this_

** _minho_ **

_hyung, i want to get off felix but i can't_

_send help_

"So much for not letting you know." Chan says and proceeds to flop onto the bed after seeing the horror in Hyunjin's face. 

"Hyung, what are we gonna do? Oh my god, I thought he would at least stay until it gets dark outside. Does he—"

"Wait, so you knew he was leaving early?" Chan got up and faced Hyunjin after what he heard.

"He told me yesterday, when we went to buy food for all of us. He told me not to tell you guys since you won't let him if he asked for permission. I was gonna let it slide because I'm sure he's still not comfortable around me yet but he wants to do this for everyone else, until, yeah. Until this happened." Hyunjin said in a rushed, high-pitched voice, signaling he is now in panic mode. 

"You should've told us, we could've prevented this from happening." Chan told him with a frown, almost spacing out while thinking of a solution. 

"I know, hyung. But I've broken his trust once, I don't wanna do it again." Hyunjin explained, desperate to justify his situation because it seems like they're about to start an unwanted misunderstanding. He looks at Chan, examining his face as if searching for answers. 

"Well look at where we are now." Chan said exasperatedly and Hyunjin knows it's not exactly the perfect time to have a mental breakdown, but he's on the verge of tears. It's one of those days where he gets emotional over a few exchange of words because it makes him realize how bad his life decisions are. How bad his entire life is, actually. He likes to think he's not that bad of a person, but how can you not be bad when you lose Lee Felix, the most kindhearted heaven-sent angel on earth? He's suddenly sensitive because he's about to lose him again in an attempt of winning him back.

And what he realized now is that, yes, he can afford another heartbreak because that's what he deserves. But he can't afford Felix falling into a spiral of self-doubt and trust issues, thinking he's not good enough, because Hyunjin seems like he doesn't give a damn over the years they have spent together and how much they care for each other. Maybe he's not ready for the pain of not being forgiven by the person he just cherishes so much. It's going to hurt like a million stab wounds that's why he brushes the idea off his head, but Hyunjin wants to explain that it his own fault for being inconsiderate and childish even if that means after that, he'll never have his best friend back. As long as Felix knows that he's not guilty of a friendship lost. As long as Felix knows that he doesn't have to accept him into his life again just because of the past they've shared. As long as Felix knows that he's not at fault for cutting off toxicity out of his life. As long as Felix is free. As long as he is happy.

"Hyung, let's not fight please." Hyunjin goes in for a hug and immediately bursts into tears, staining the older's clothes with pent-up agony. He clings to Chan's shirt while the other relaxes his initially tensed shoulders. 

"I'm sorry, Jin. I didn't mean to come off as rude, I was just stressed over the situation." Chan said while patting the younger's back.

"I'm sorry for making everyone feel like walking on tightrope whenever you're with us." Hyunjin apologizes, crying even loudly.

"Hey, stop crying. You're making me feel bad now." Chan jokes in an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere, but it was to no avail.

"I'm sorry for unintentionally giving everyone the burden to fix us again."

"No, Hyunjin, it's not like that."

"I just... I just badly want to apologize to him this time, sincerely... even if it ends badly." Hyunjin wails and Chan starts to stress out even more than when he was thinking of how to fix the chaos on Felix' end.

"Trust me, it's going to be alright. It's not gonna end badly." Chan wanted to assure him so he lightly takes him off of the hug and looks at him in the eyes. "Believe, hyung, okay?"

"I still don't believe you, but okay." Chan snorts which makes Hyunjin flash a small grin." Sorry for suddenly venting, hyung, especially in this situation. I just wanted to get it all out."

"I was taken aback actually, you don't normally do that. I wasn't really about to fight you or something. I was just thinking." Chan remarked.

"My emotions reach their extremes when it comes to Felix, my apologies. Actually, now that I think about, if I wasn't a fuck up over my friendship with Felix, I would've laughed this situation off because our friends are being extra chaotic out there. But then again, I wouldn't be laughing any shit off if I wasn't a fuck up in the first place." Hyunjin rambles while Chan fumbles with his phone after thinking of a solution.

"Hey, sorry to ruin your self-destructive monologue but I got you a solution." 

"That fast?" Hyunjin replies with excitement and nervousness coursing through his veins.

"Yeah, here it is." Chan answers and shows his phone screen to the younger. Hyunjin seems to be drained of life after seeing Felix's caller ID.

"HYUNG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH MY GOD! TURN THE CALL OFF!"

"I asked Felix if he's still being tackled and he said yes. So I asked if I could call him to handle the situation and he said yes." Chan explained nonchalantly.

"YOU CALL THIS HANDLING THE SITUATION? YOU'RE ASKING ME TO HANDLE **_THE _**SITUATION? I CAN'T HANDLE A SITUATION, HYUNG! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY!"

"Hello? Hyung, please save me. I keep telling them that I can't breathe properly and that I won't even try to escape but they refuse to let Minho-hyung off of me. This is invasion of privacy and violation of human rights, hyung!" Felix whines and Hyunjin's heart almost leaps out of his chest if not only being in a state of having to express himself without using inhuman noises.

"Uhh..."

"Oh, hi. Where's Chan-hyung?" _Again, not the best time to send your heart into astral orbit just because he can recognize your breathing. It's not a big deal, dumbass, you've known each other for years._

"He's in front of me right now." 

"Can you ask him to tell everyone to let me go?" 

"Am I included in everyone?" Hyunjin replies out of impulse. Chan face-palms a little too audibly and Hyunjin hears Minho laugh at the other end.

"What?" Felix asked, genuinely confused. Silence engulfed the call for a few seconds while Hyunjin prevents himself from punching himself on the gut out of embarrassment. "Thanks, hyung, I'll tell them you allowed me to leave!"

"Hey! You can't do that!" Hyunjin complains. When it went silent again and he takes it as a sign that Felix is willing to hear him out, so he musters his almost non-existing courage. "Felix?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you stay?" Hyunjin pleads, not expecting much. It goes silent, as if everyone's holding their breath. 

"I accept my defeat." Felix says and everyone on the other end of the line shouts as if they've all graduated college and escaped that living hell.

"Does that mean you'll stay?" Hyunjin asks in a whisper, with hope laced in his voice.

"Let's go home or whatever. And don't even dare to handcuff me! Y'all embarrass me." Felix scolded everyone, ignoring Hyunjin's question. But the latter just thinking his voice was too soft to hear.

"Thanks." Hyunjin struggled to say amidst the sea of cheering voices on Felix' end, drowning out his own.

"For what?" Felix asks, almost shouting.

"For staying for everyone." 

"You're not going to thank me for staying for you?" Hyunjin thinks he's gone deaf. But that doesn't count because you can't hear things when you're deaf. Maybe he's gone insane, because what the hell did he just hear?

"What?" 

"Felix first win! Hyunjin coward!" Hyunjin hears Jisung say.

"I'm hanging up." Felix says with a smile on his face.

***

The day ended pretty well. They had fun as if they were back in high school. They picked up from where they left off and talked as if nothing was holding them back. They spent the day not caring about time chasing them, about the fact that they'll be living separate lives once again until they accidentally bump into each other or call for impromptu gatherings. It's kind of sad but you only feel sadness when you've been happy. And isn't that what matters? So Hyunjin settles with the fact that it was sappy, not just sad, the moment they decided to go home for real, after several times of bidding goodbye, hugging each other and not wanting to let go.

"I'm sure you know why I asked you to stay." Hyunjin said in a barely audible voice, still giddy over the fact that Felix agreed to let Hyunjin walk him to his bus stop.

"Yeah. Definitely." Felix chuckled and looked at Hyunjin's nervous expression. "Relax, I'm still me. You can tell me whatever you want."

"You're still you. I'm still me." A bitter laugh escapes from Hyunjin's lips as he looks down. "But we're not us anymore."

"And we're fixing that now." Felix extends his hand and holds Hyunjin's. Saying Hyunjin was surprised is an understatement. He doesn't expect this sudden change of heart from Felix.

"I should be the one fixing this. Stop stealing my job, I'm the one at fault here." Hyunjin jokes, earning a slap on the arm from Felix. And right at that moment, Hyunjin's almost teary. He thought Felix is never going to be this comfortable around him again. The thought of closure was even almost impossible in his imagination. And experiencing this, right now, makes him really really happy. It makes him feel like everything's going to be alright again. It makes him feel like he'll be able to hug Felix tightly again.

"I like to believe that we both made mistakes. And I'm here to explain my side."

"I like to believe that I'm the only fuck up here. Imagine if I just shut my stupid mouth back then and listened to your explanations, then we wouldn't have to be in this situation." Hyunjin expresses his annoyance of himself. His self-loathing has long been a self-destructive trait of him. However, this time, it feels liberating. Getting his frustrations out to Felix feels liberating (note: not lashing out his frustrations on Felix, that was the worst thing he's ever done in his life). Because finally, someone understands him again. Not that their other friends don't give him the consolation he needs. But it just feels different with the right person, you know?

"Yeah and you're not shutting your mouth again. Let me explain, I have so many things to say." Felix complained.

"God, me too."

"I don't even know where to start."

"Do you want me to start then?" Hyunjin suggests as Felix stares into the distance. 

"Don't fucking interrupt me. I'm thinking of ways on how to say this without sounding pathetic." Hyunjin can't fathom that this is actually their confrontation scene. Sure, it does feel real, with his heart beating a million times per second. But at the same time it doesn't, because he can still laugh. And you don't usually laugh in confrontations, right? But then again, he and Felix have always been quite different. The thought of it just makes him feel even lighter. 

"You know, for the three years that we haven't talked to each other, I imagined this day to be full of screaming or crying or whatever. How do I explain this? You know, just us sitting in silence and surrounded by the feeling of regret. I can't explain it properly." Hyunjin groans while motioning his hands. 

"Like our throats are surrounded with thorns, hearts heavy, can't breathe properly, constantly wanting to be back to what we once were and the atmosphere just being gloomy and all that?" He doesn't have to struggle in explaining, though, someone gets him.

"Exactly. Just like that. But then here we are, joking and everything's light as of the moment. It's like we're fixing something that went really wrong but we've always been okay." Hyunjin remarks at the absurd circumstance they're in. 

"We've always been chill like that. Everything's always comfortable, even when talking about our faults, flaws and fears. I'm glad nothing really changed." Felix replied. 

"Yeah, except that day. I wouldn't call that comfortable. And the days between that day and today. Those were days in hell." 

"I never really resented you, though. I want you to know that." Felix assures Hyunjin and tightens his grip on his hand. And Hyunjin's just as confused as the day everything went down. Why on earth would Felix not get angry at him when he doubted him? When he accused him of ruining their friendship? When he told him to get out of his life? When he never reached out? Hyunjin has so many questions racing through his mind. But this time, he's going to listen. "Do you feel the same too?"

"Do I feel the same? No! I have always resented myself." Hyunjin jokes once again, earning another slap on the arm from Felix. He also gets an adorable glare which was supposed to make him feel the need to be serious but just makes him feel all the more cheery. "Of course, I don't resent you, Felix. Do you really think you're to blame with what happened when I was the one spitting out unnecessary, hurtful words that day? And how do you not even resent me? If I were you, I'd throw the friendship in a ditch."

"So if I was the one who did that to you, you'd abandon me?" Felix stops in his track and asks Hyunjin in serious tone.

"No..."

"Exactly. And that's because?"

"Because I'd always try to fix us. Because what we have is something I want to have for the rest of my life. It's something dear to my heart. And even if it wasn't, then because I know where your coming from. Because I know why you did what you did." Hyunjin replied with all honesty. He replied with what he has always wished Felix thought of after their fight.

"Exactly."

"But still, what I felt can never be an excuse for how I acted." Hyunjin argued.

"Even when we're both cancelling on hangouts because we're busy, I was purposely distancing myself from you. I know you've noticed that too, but you just kept feeding yourself with _'Maybe he's just busy' _or _'He gets really diligent, Hyunjin' _or _'Felix would never do that to me'_. And when you heard from Jisung that I intentionally didn't attend your birthday, you got mad because you were actually right from the beginning. You were pushed to your limits when I was being vague the day we fought. I was going through a hard time and I just wanted to isolate myself from everything, that's why I did what I did. But then again, just like you said, what I felt can never be an excuse for how I acted. This is what I meant when I said I never resented you, Hyunjin. Because I let my emotions get the best of me. Because I did what you did, too." Felix explained.

"You have every right not to tell me what you were hiding, Lix. Stop blaming yourself for it." Hyunjin insisted. But he finds himself lost on what Felix was going through again. He now knows that he should respect his privacy, but he just hates not being able to do anything to make Felix, at the least bit, better. 

"But we could've talked it out. And we both chose not to." Felix reasoned out. "I could've told you I was dealing with problems, and this time, no comfort can bring my mind at ease. Not even yours. I should've just told you that so we wouldn't be standing in the middle of nowhere, together but uncertain if we'll just be contented knowing that the other is there or if we'd risk tiring ourselves to find a way out. I shouldn't have dragged it for too long because it was unfair to you. You didn't know whether you were going to let go or hold on."

"Was it really that bad?" Hyunjin asked, imagining what Felix must've went through whilst keeping everything to himself. There he was, thinking that Felix was having the time of his life, resenting him for not even giving a damn about their friendship and eventually lashing out on him, when his best friend was actually at his lowest. Suddenly, he's aching all over again because he wasn't even there when Felix needed him the most. He wasn't there when Felix thought that the world has become too noisy that not even a lullaby can calm him.

"Don't start blaming yourself saying that you could've been there for me, Hwang. I'm glad you weren't." Hyunjin feels a dagger slowly pierce through his heart after hearing that last sentence. _Right, this is more realistic, Hyunjin-ah. Confrontations are never sunshines and rainbows. Now, it doesn't feel like a dream._

"Did you... at one point... did you really want me out of your life?" Hyunjin asked, carefully choosing the right words as their argument plays in his mind on loop, haunting him. 

"No." Felix denied, shaking his head with a bitter smile.

"Then, why does it feel like it?"

"I never wanted you out of my life, Hyunjin. I wanted to be out of your life. I wished I was never part of it. I know this may sound petty but hear me out. I often thought I don't deserve the people around me, you know. Even back when everything was fine between us. That's why there were days when I don't talk much, join our friend group or disappear on all of you during summer breaks. I know for sure that I'm not being toxic to anyone, because if that was the case, everyone would have told me. But there's just this constant feeling that I'm not enough for everyone, that you are all better off without me and that all you ever do was make me happy but I can't do the same."

"That's not true, Lix." Hyunjin contradicts as tears stream down his face. Blaming himself because he can't even see through the person he claims to be his best friend.

"I know, I know. There just happens to be some days where I'd feel a little too selfish, letting all of those thoughts drift away and enjoying my life with everyone around. But it's still there and I can't get it out head. Then there comes that godforsaken day when I made that bet. Whenever I think about it I can't help but curse myself for being so stupid and childish. God, I was so stupid, Hyunjin, why did you even tolerate my stupidity that day?" Felix laughs bitterly and attempts to calm himself by running his hand down his tear-streaked face, but it was to no avail. 

"Lix, take it easy." Hyunjin comforts Felix as he leads him to sit down on the empty sidewalk.

"I mean, I'm sure we both know this by now, choosing Engineering and Medicine over Practical Dance was the best choice. Now, we just often imagine ourselves doing dance, then it hurts, then we move on and the cycle repeats. But we're not dumb enough anymore to chase after it like Minho-hyung. But that bet hurt us like hell because it gave us false hope. I hurt us like hell because I gave you false hope. Or maybe things would've went well with you and your family and they would've agreed to let you pursue dance. And I hindered that, because you're stupidly stuck with the bet that I made. The bet shouldn't even be a big deal but it was, it has been. And it just sounds so stupid and so wrong to me that just because I'd love to dance with you forever, I dragged us to that mess. Just because I love dance and I love you doesn't mean I get to be that selfish, right?"

"This sounds so wrong in this situation, but you love what?" Hyunjin shouted after his ears picked up that particular statement. He suddenly malfunctions and every emotion's just eating up at him. Everything's passing by in a blur and his brain can't register a single thing that's happening. 

"That's another discussion for another day. Don't bring it up." Felix says, flustered. 

"Okay." Hyunjin replied, confused. But he smiles at the thought of Felix wanting to see him again. 

"I thought of those things constantly whenever we weren't together. And I thought that I was right, I never really deserved you. I thought that I'd bring your life to a living hell if I stayed longer because you'd be reminded of the things that could've happened. I didn't want to put you through that pain so I just tried to leave quietly. I know I'm in no place to decide if you want me in your life or not and that distancing myself was an even worse decision on top of everything that I've done, but I think it helped. Seeing you that time makes me so sick of myself that I can't breathe. It was so unhealthy that I was failing Engineering that time, even when I tell all of you that I'm doing great. On your birthday, Jin, I was contemplating on dropping out and I was trying to get a hold of myself. But it wasn't your fault, it was solely problems that I have to deal with. I hated myself so much when I didn't even know why. I know this sounds selfish, because I'm doing things for myself again, but being away from you helped me realize so many things."

"Is this your way of saying that you're better off without me?" Hyunjin jokes, but he shuts his eyes, wishing that Felix would say no. 

"No." _Thank God. _"This is my way of saying that you were still there for me, helping me recover, even when you didn't know. After our fight, I realized how selfish I was for leaving you behind when you were hurting too. I realized that spending your days with the people you love isn't being selfish. It's just trying to seek happiness in this cruel world and giving them the same happiness you seek. I realized that loving doesn't count how much you've done for others. It's just, you know, doing your best to be with them because your presence is the best comfort you can give."

"Then why didn't you approach me earlier?" Hyunjin whines as he stands up to follow Felix, who began walking again.

"I was fixing myself before I let myself willingly love you." Felix answered confidently but with sincerity evident in his voice. Hyunjin stops in his tracks as he feels his ears go red. "Don't stop walking, I'm already about to miss my bus."

"I thought that's another discussion for another day! Stop saying it!" Hyunjin rebuts and chases after Felix, who didn't stop walking, after consciousness has finally washed over him again. He takes a mental note that after everything's fine between him and Felix, he's going to bribe him into not telling Han Jisung that he has seen him in this state of red ears and flustered eyes. Nope, he's not gonna let Jisung know that he is, definitely, a coward.

"Do you hate it that much that you don't want to hear it?" Felix jokes, as if not affected by Hyunjin's passive reactions after him confessing his love for so many times. This is what Hyunjin's puzzled about. _Is he not afraid of being rejected? Well, he isn't getting rejected, anyways. But maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Maybe he doesn't mean it that way? _"Don't worry. I'll try getting over you, okay? Though, that hasn't been going well for the past years. But I promise I'm not gonna make everything weird."

"I didn't mean it that way. I just—"

"Anyways, I've realized that there's no such thing as perfect happiness in the world, you know. We're never going to get everything that we want in this life. That's just how it works. I'm not trying to justify losing the chance to dance forever. But I'm saying that sometimes we never really land among the stars even when we aim for it. I'm saying that maybe what we're gonna lose in this life is our dream. That's not something to be happy about, we both know that. But it's something we should accept. I'm just glad I didn't lose you too." Felix smiles at Hyunjin the way he has always smiled. With the stars in his eyes lighting up the scattered freckles on his cheeks. With that relaxing vibe that has always put him at ease. With the same love he believes he projects from his eyes. 

Maybe Hyunjin was never really meant to land among the stars. Maybe he was meant to fall for them.

"Can I ask why you suddenly agreed to talk to me? You were so cold to me hours ago." Hyunjin asked after seeing that they were nearing Felix' stop. He turns his head and sees the cafe where his friends must have embarrassed themselves. 

"You see, I was still trying to flee from the situation. I thought I was ready to fix things between us, but suddenly I wasn't ready. But then, I realized that that's just me being a coward again and if I don't do it today, when will I get to have another chance? Basically, I was just having cold feet." Felix explained, making Hyunjin ruffle his hair over too much endearment. He sees Felix' bus from not too far away and decided to let his stare linger on Felix a little longer.

"Call me when you're back in your dorm. I don't know when we'll be completely fine, but don't disappear on me again, okay?" Hyunjin goes in for the hug he has always wanted to give Felix ever since the day he last entered his dorm. And there goes that feeling again, that everything's finally gonna be alright, that he's safe because he's back to where he belongs. "I missed your hugs."

"Hyunjin." Felix says before taking his last step up the bus.

"Hmm? Oh wait, wow I forgot to say sorry. Oh my god, we're fixing that the next time we meet. I'm—"

"Shut up, I've been deprived of saying this for a long time. Let me just say it at least once." Felix goes silent while Hyunjin's heart is struggling to keep its normal pace from anticipation. "I love you."

***

** _STRAIGHT KIDS _ **

** _jisung_ **

_how did it go?_

** _chan_ **

_jisung, delete_

** _jisung_ **

_wdym_

** _jeongin_ **

_why is my life like this_

_why am i friends with all of you_

_i need peace in my life_

** _changbin_ **

_wrong gc, ji_

** _felix_ **

_oH MY GOD??? SO Y'ALL HAD A GC WITHOUT ME?????? THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS _

** _minho_ **

_yes_

** _woojin_ **

_wtf minho _

_at least give him consolation_

** _jisung_ **

_no i meant to send it in the gc without hyunjin_

** _seungmin_ **

_i feel so sorry for you, for hyunjin and for myself_

** _jeongin_ **

_why is my life like this_

_why am i friends with all of you_

_i need peace in my life_

** _hyunjin_ **

_wtf _

_why was i never informed_

** _seungmin_ **

_if we wanted to inform you, we shouldn't have made another gc _

_don't you think so?_

** _woojin_ **

_i hate this family_

** _minho_ **

_how did it go tho?_

** _chan_ **

_stop being nosy, kids_

_let them be_

** _hyunjin_ **

_we're fine now_

** _jisung_ **

_really??_

** _changbin_ **

_i'm happy for you guys_

** _felix_ **

_thanks, hyung_

** _jisung_ **

_finally, pining's over_

_omg how did hyunjin confess his undying love for you????_

** _felix_ **

_what_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've made it this far i want to congratulate and thank you!! there has been a lot of mental anguish in this fic, at least for me, so im happy that y'all made it here. although i doubt that i've been able to translate my feelings into words, i've been projecting my heart here the whole time. and although im not yet satisfied with my writing, it still makes me happy that everyone who's reading this right now took the time to, well, read this.
> 
> i might make an extra chapter tho,, for fluff's sake. but for now let's end it here
> 
> again, thank you!! leave u're thoughts and kudos, they really really make me happy!! this has been 'blame the rain' signing off :(((

**Author's Note:**

> pls excuse the typos and grammatical errors. didnt know this fic would end up being too long than what i expected so i divided it into two parts. would be posting the second one soon, hope you enjoy this. comments would be much appreciated!!!


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